Dane Cook is the number one comedian among people my age. He recently had the biggest selling comedy CD, hosted SNL, appears on talk shows all the time, and plays sold out college shows around the country to his massive fan base. But there’s one catch, he’s not funny. Seriously. It’s almost like a performance art piece he’s doing.

If you’re not familiar with his material, count yourself lucky. Dane is very “animated,” as his fans say, and stalks around the stage, a whirling dervish of exuberance and enthusiasm, acting out even the most minute details of his jokes. His smoke and mirrors seem to have distracted people from the fact that he is painfully, abysmally, unfunny. At first I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that someone so awful could become so popular. But then I started looking at his fanbase, and it’s the same people who embraced ambassadors of bland Dave Matthews and Jack Johnson. Basically, your standard college idiot.

Don’t believe me? Try watching this clip of him talking about restrooms, questioning the name (”is there anybody just resting in this room?”) and why they’re so wet (”was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath?”), and experience for yourself just how bad Dane is.

So what of it? There are a ton of unfunny comedians out there. Where Dane sets himself apart, and becomes something truly special, is in his new HBO behind-the-scenes show, “Tourgasm,” of which he is the creator, director, self-described “leader,” and, I’d bet my bottom dollar, editor.

Dane capitalized on his growing success to set up a tour of US colleges, and brought along 3 other comedians and a camera crew. What, you may ask, happens when 4 comedians spend 30 days with each other on a luxury tour bus, participate in a number of forced activities, and through tears of laughter and sadness (no joke) attempt to get real? Next to nothing. “Tourgasm” is so incredibly bland and free of laughs that it hits bottom and comes right back up to the top again.

Lately I’ve seen LA comedian Andy Kindler performing all over town. Andy’s brought up Dane and Tourgasm every time, and has had me laughing far more than Dane ever has. Andy stalks around onstage a la Cook, points out the logical errors in Dane’s jokes (there are many), and highlights his favorite elements of Tourgasm. I could listen to Andy talk about Tourgasm all day long. As a result of seeing Andy’s discourse on Dane, I decided to give Tourgasm a view. I’m glad I did, because, quite simply, it blew my mind.

Tourgasm has all the elements of any bad reality show: 8 story consultants, forced activities, forced comraderie, forced drama, real tears, and more hugging than “Entourage.” If you think of it as a trainwreck, and watch it with the thought of Dane’s hand controlling every edit, it becomes one of the funniest shows currently on TV.

I’m going to attempt in words, pictures, and audio clips, to walk you through the brilliance that is episode 4 of Tourgasm. Click below for a shitload of screencaps and awesomeness.

First of all, if you want to download the full episode, click here.

Ok, let’s start with the opening credits. Tourgasm opens with a slick title sequence set to the hard rocking “Dimension” by Wolf Mother. This is as close to rocking as the show will get. As the guitars wail, we are introduced to the Dane Cook players.

Who else did you think they’d show first? Dane says, “I love my job, baby!” and we cut to the next guy.

Gary Gulman. Gary is “the conflicted” (though I would call him “the sane”) because he doesn’t seem to enjoy being on tour with these guys. He participates the least in the activities, and in a hilarious segment in episode 2, causes a near meltdown of the tour when he doesn’t show up for breakfast on time. Ironically, in the first episode Gary claims that he will be the glue of the show. “Just call me Elmer,” he says as he chuckles at his own joke. For our purposes there won’t be much talk of Gary, because dude is MIA throughout this whole episode.

Then we have Robert “Bobby” Kelly. Bobby and Dane seem to be the tightest of the group, and certainly the touchiest. In the first episode Bobby climbs into bed with Dane and starts spooning him. Much to Bobby’s surprise, Dane, instead of calling Bobby a fag and pushing him off, simply lies there and silently calls Bobby’s bluff. So then they’re left there spooning, trying to see which one will be grossed out first. After an awkward 5 seconds, Bobby says, “It’s creeping me out that you haven’t said anything yet.”

Bobby is definitely the most forceful personality on the tour. He’s constantly picking on fellow tourmate Jay Davis. At one point in the first episode, after calling Jay an “ass kisser,” Bobby reduces Jay to tears. Later, Bobby tells the camera, “I’m a big lion and he’s a little cub. If he wants to play with me, he’s going to get hurt.”

Which brings us to Jay Davis, or “frosty tips” as the boys like to call him. Jay would probably like to hear himself referred to as a “born again Christian” because that’s what he is, but I would use “unfunny” and “remarkably sensitive.” Jay’s been doing standup for over 10 years now, so why he’s called “the newbie” in the credits sequence is anyone’s guess. The other major question I have is why the fuck did Dane want this guy on tour with him? At the outset of the show, Dane championed the other 3 as “the funniest people I know,” but I think Dane really wanted to be around people that would make him look good. And with Jay’s incredibly awful jokes, he makes Dane look like Richard Pryor.

Jay’s heightened sensitivity even led him to focus his spotlight of comedy on the subject, and he came up with the following joke (this is a real transcription):

Man, I tell you, I am such a sensitive, kind guy. I’m so kind that my friends think I kill people with kindness. I’m like, “what are they thinking?” If I were the BTK killer they’d probably call me the TLC killer. Tender loving care. What, I’m going to break into someone’s house and be like, “Hey is anybody home? I brought pretzels?” The TLC killer is here. “911, I don’t know what to do? No, he told me my hair looked great and I’m beautiful. He won’t leave. He’s outside tending to my tulips.”

Here’s the audio of that joke, which really should be heard.

And that’s it for the group. Oh wait, one more thing to remind you of.

Now it’s on to the episode:

We open in idyllic Ohio, and are then treated to Bobby blowing producer Brian a kiss.

Bobby explains that he blows his kisses to the side, and that if you do it from the front, you’re a total homo. Uh, okay dude. Why don’t we see what everyone else is up to? I think I hear Jay Davis saying something about a smell. I wonder what sort of hilarity America’s top comedian is getting up to? Wait, first let’s cut to one of Dane’s recurring “laws of travel.”

Really? What kinds of things stink? Or are you talking metaphorically?

“Hey, do you guys want any of this?”
Want any of what, Dane? Why don’t you put the basket in Bobby’s face and show him what you’ve got?

“Did you just shit? Did you just shit in the bucket?”
I’m wondering the same thing. Is this some sort of prank? Was there even a remote possiblity that someone was going to see the shit and want some? More importantly, is there anything funny about shitting in a waste basket and showing it to people?

Dane seems to think so.

Bobby clearly doesn’t, as he has to run outside the bus and nearly vomits. Dane, ever the prankster, follows him out, shit filled bucket in hand, and asks Bobby if he needs something to throw up in to. Sensing Bobby really does need some air, Dane mercifully takes away the feces filled basket.

And returns with a clean basket, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

Dane looks around for validation, but sees only Jay, by far the most uptight person on the tour, and certainly not the one to appreciate the hilarity of human waste. Dane shrugs his shoulders and moves on. As does the show.

Now we get some shots establishing the fact that Dane’s fans wait a long time to see him. Not only do they wait a long time prior to the show, but they then wait a long time after to get autographs and take photos. More on that later.

Cut to douche in line, flashing the devil horns. Take a good look. That’s a typical DC fan.

Inside, Dane, just like the rockstar he is, is doing a sound check. Gotta make sure his exuberance is captured properly for the fans. Dane is nothing if not adamant on this point.

“I don’t want anyone in this room until we know this is perfect. Because if this is not perfect, I am not doing the show!”

The tech crew then tries to get the mics up to Dane’s level of perfection. I hope they can do it, because if not, Dane will have to cancel the largest stop on his tour, incurring the wrath of both thousands of fans, and the booking agent who he agreed to do the show with. But Dane, impervious to the threat of disappointed fans, or a lawsuit, seeks perfection at all costs.

“This show is not going to happen if the sound is not right.”
Ok, we get the idea. You want the sound to be “perfect.” Can we move on?

Fuck yeah we can. Because in another part of Kent State, Kyle Marcarello is playing the Dance Dance Revolution game of his life.

Perhaps recognizing someone who sweats almost as much as himself, Bobby Kelly is wholly transfixed with young Kyle’s skills.

Bobby gets so inspired that he begins chanting encouragingly, “Go rabbit, go rabbit, go!” as the sweat flies off of Kyle.

Then, for no discernible reason other than the fact that he wasn’t on camera, we are treated to Dane’s thoughts on Kyle’s dancing:
“He was demented! That kid was a looney toon. He was all red in the face. He had like kind of a ‘Children of the Corn’ type of vibe happening. That’s not dancing. I’ve seen bad dancing at weddings that I’ve been like, ‘Oh shit, that’s bad dancing.’ But this was demonic, if I can say that. This was not dancing.”
Ok, that added nothing, except to showcase your ego. Let’s get back to the dancers, now dancing in tandem.

How can Bobby make this display of enthusiatic video game playing funny?

By treating us to his unique comedic take on the situation of course. According to Bobby, the only purpose of Dance Dance Revolution is to create “Swass,” which the editor has helpfully explained for us. You got any more good ones Bobby?

Yes! Go for the hat trick, and make it really good!

You did it, dude. Can’t top that. I wonder what Dane’s up to?

Dane invites Jay to have a heart-to-heart. In addition to being an amazing comedian, sound perfectionist and fecal fan, Dane is also a mediator, mending fences between his comrades.

“How are you feeling? I’m getting an energy off of you.”
“I don’t see myself hanging out or getting along with Bobby at all.”
“You have a choice to turn things around, right now. I want you to turn this around.”

Emboldened by his chat with Dane, Jay engages Bobby by asking him if he misses Gary. Bobby replies that he doesn’t, because he’s able to disconnect, and tells Jay that he needs to learn that. The TLC killer responds, “Yeah, I’m learning to disconnect from you right now and it’s great.” But then adds that he’s through going out of his way to be nice to Bobby.

“I’ve been nothing but nice to you, motherfucker!” is Bobby’s reply. I guess he forgot that time he made Jay cry.

Jay finally grows a pair and tells Bobby to fuck off.

But then minutes later is shown hugging Bobby onstage.

“I think you two are sexually attracted to each other, and that’s causing the problem.” Uh, don’t think so Dane. But funny that your mind went there. Can we get to some actual stand-up please?

Dane Cook takes the stage (note the pelvis thrust outward) as his fans give him a standing ovation.

The energy of the crowd inspires Dane to kick a nearby stool.

And finally at almost the half-way point in the episode, we get two jokes from Dane. One is his closer, the superman joke, which is one of his most popular jokes:
Violence. I’ll prove to you you like a little violence. We’re going to talk a little bit about it. I know you like violence, because I know you’re like me. Sometimes when you’re walking down the street and you see someone coming towards you wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest. When they start to bleed, go, “I guess not. I guess not, huh?”
Listen below

That’s the joke. Dane receives another standing ovation after this joke and makes his exit.

What next?

More standing in line for his fans, as they wait hours and hours to get autographs and take photos with him. Dane is able to lighten the proceedings though.

By blowing off an air horn behind the unsuspecting Bobby and Jay. You Cook’d ‘em bro.

Dane stays until the very end. That’s the secret of his success. Where his comedy fails, he makes up for it with attention to his fans. This is why he has over 1 million myspace friends and spent over a quarter million dollars fine-tuning his website to maximize his hit count.

After the show Dane shakes Bobby’s hand. At first I thought this was a nice gesture, but it turned out Dane just wanted to bring up the fact that he got two standing ovations.

Which they show for a third time, but this time in slow motion.

Dane and the crew head for Niagra Falls and hijinx ensue. Can you guess what a group of ball cap-wearing fellows might do there?

Kind of boring right?

Bobby, sensing what’s on everybody’s mind, has the courage to put it into words.

But enough of that shit, it’s time for the comedians to get rowdy. Why not ask the Christian to do something wacky.

To the surprise of no one, Jay’s not into it.

But Bobby Kelly picks up the slack, and producer Brian’s hat.

Will he or won’t he?

He won’t. But then producer Brian, after donning his stolen hat, takes the strange tack of taunting Bobby about not throwing his hat off.

You don’t taunt Robert Kelly like that, because it’s at that point that he really will throw your hat off of Niagra Falls.

Dane gets in on the act too, wrestling Jay’s hat from him and heading for the falls. Jay doesn’t follow, so Dane devises his own devious plan.

Dane’s going to make Jay think his hat’s gone, but really Dane’s keeping it close to the thing that produced so much hilarity earlier in the episode, his ass.

Meanwhile producer Brian’s going to exact his revenge by tossing Bobby’s jacket over the edge.

Really? Man, Bobby would totally be fucked if that was the case.

Whew, close one. So what about Jay and his erstwhile cap? Could we have a big payoff where Dane dons Jay’s hat and waits until Jay notices?

You’ve been Cook’d again!

Then, just like every comedy tour since time immemorial, the boys stop to play a game of two-hand-touch football.

Bobby was all, “I’m not going to pull a hamstring with these competitive jagasses. Plus I’m probably number 1.”

What Bobby doesn’t know is that Dane’s got a special plan for him. But, and contrary to above photographic evidence, it is not to get up in those guts. It’s to go long. So long that he breaks his fucking knee, man.

Which is exactly what Bobby does. We are treated to multiple camera angles of Bobby falling on the ground.

As Bobby writhes around in pain, his exact words are, “Ow, fuck! I snapped my knee, man! I broke my knee, man! I broke my knee, man! I broke my fucking knee, man! I broke my knee, man…Hold my hand, man.” Words in print can’t do justice to how funny it is to hear him yell this. Right now it’s one of my favorite things to listen to.
Lucky for you guys, I uploaded the audio, and you can listen below

Luckily for Bobby, Dane’s a good hand-holder. Witness the power of Dane’s swand.

I read nothing but concern in Dane’s countenance here. Keep holding that hand Dane!

Then it’s off to the hospital.

Prognosis: negative. In a perfect world the doctor would have looked at Bobby and simply said, “You broke your knee, man.” But since this isn’t a perfect world, he mumbled something about mcl sprains and acl tearing. In short, Bobby shouldn’t walk on it.

After draining some fluid from his knee, Bobby goes outside to have a smoke, while Dane keeps him company. Dane laments the fact that it was Bobby, not Jay, that got injured.

This elicits much laughter from both parties. Bobby asks if he cried, saying that’s the only thing he’s worried about. Dane says no, but that there was some sweat on Bobby’s forehead that they may try to make look like a tear, and then turns to the camera and gives this devilish grin:

After tucking Bobby in, he and Dane share a hug. Cue the credits my friends, because that’s the end of this episode of tourgasm.

Oh yeah, forgot about that.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 10th, 2006 at 12:49 am and is filed under tourgasm, dane cook. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.