At every comedy show I go to people are talking about Dane Cook and Tourgasm. Dane’s on the lips and blogs of comedians everywhere. Apparently the way you capture the attention of every comedian in the country is not by making the smartest, funniest show you possibly can, but instead creating one of the worst programs ever.

Last week’s episode was yet another example of hubris, ego, scatalogical humor and forced activities. To quote Dane, ride with me people, because it’s that time again.

This episode was entitled “Competitively Speaking,” or alternately “Dane’s a poor loser.”


We open in a parking lot in Virginia. Only 5 days left on the tour now, yet 3 episodes still remain. We’ll see how that works out.

After the titles just told us it was day 25, producer Brian wakes everyone up with the rousing, though possibly incorrect, declaration, “It’s day 24. Are you ready for some tourgasm?” He seems to be acting under the assumption that the mere mention of the tour’s name will inspire the comedians to leave their bunks.

Or couch, which is where Robert Kelly has parked his sweaty mass. Brian attempts to coax Bobby from his protracted state by appealing to his competitive side. “We have a contest, an early contest. It’s called who can be up and ready in 30 minutes?” Who wouldn’t want to win that competition?

Apparently Bobby, because he’s got a contest of his own, “Who can beat Brian for me because I have a bad leg?” Oh snap! Watch those acidic rejoinders Bobby. You already made one tourmate cry.

Then it’s back to Dane’s full-sized room where Brian asks him if he’s any good at paint-balling. Dane replies, “Yeah, I dominate it like most sports.” Brian teases back, “What about the sport of modesty?” And then we get one of the few honest moments from Dane as he says, “I don’t participate in that.”

I get the sense that they’re going to participate in yet another activity that your average comedian would never indulge in, and sure enough it’s a trip to the cleverly named Splathouse.

“I want a gatling gun if they have it,” declares Dane. Wait, seriously?

It seems that could be a bit of a disadvantage in a game where the element of surprise is a key component.

“You look like a sperm,” Dane tells Jay, seemingly confusing ejaculate with sperm. What’s with all the jokes Dane? It’s like you think you’re a comedian or something.

And then another edition of the completely nonsensical laws of travel.

Time for the two teams to suit up. Not surprisingly Dane teamed up with his partner-in-spooning, Bobby.

I have to imagine neither Jay nor Gary chose this name. My money’s on the director of the episode who made a joke earlier about Jay looking like sperm.

We are then treated to shots of the boys playing paintball. It’s actually pretty boring. To spice things up there’s some heavy rap-rock playing on the soundtrack.

The hero’s about to save the day…

But his plans are thwarted by The TLC Killer, who, in this case, kills with paintballs.

“10 fucking feet dude!” Dane yells at Jay.
“You’re fucking four feet away. Fuck that!”
According to Dane there is a “10 feet rule” that states you must be at least 10 feet from someone before you shoot them. Jay just stands there meekly, asking what’s wrong. I actually feel sorry for him. Jay decides to go apologize to Dane and is met with the following reaction:

“Get out of my face right now man. I’ll fucking knock you out!”

Then we cut to Jay actually explaining why, in a game where the goal is to shoot members of the opposite team, he shot Dane and Bobby. I can’t believe it’s come to this.

Dane can’t believe it either, as he complains to anyone within earshot. After not receiving any validation, Dane decides to silently brood.

Jay though, just can’t let this aggression stand, man. Again he tries to apologize to Dane.

But Dane doesn’t want to hear any of it.

Maybe in the editing of this episode Dane realized he was being a total dick to Jay, because he admits on camera to “being a little hard on the J.D.” and goes on further to say, “personally, if somebody was saying some of the things I was saying to me, I probably would have been like, ‘You know what dude, whether I fucked up or not, shut the fuck up dude or I’m going to come over there and knock you out’.” Nice job Dane. Owning your anger is the first step on the road to recovery. Dane ends his confessional with the camera by admitting, “I was a dick. Let’s just say it, alright?”

Tour manager Bryan’s got something different to say though. Perhaps having just watched the day’s footage, Dane isn’t feeling well.

Producer Brian, having conferred with tour manager Bryan, decides to ask his star how he’s doing. Astute viewers will notice Dane’s walls are adorned with posters of himself. In what I can only guess is an attempt to generate false suspense, Dane says he may not perform.

But he’d disappoint all these people.

Jay and the rest of the comedians do their thing. While they’re on stage we are treated to shots of Dane in repose.

Dane finds the fortitude in himself to get ready for another performance, as well as a cool looking light to stand under.

Literally? You’re kidding right?

Like every crowd on the tour, they give Dane a standing ovation as he takes the stage. Dane in turn gives them his version of the middle finger (contrary to all logic this is actually meant as a friendly gesture).

Apropos of nothing, Dane admits to the audience “I want a fucking monkey,” and perhaps for any one not familiar with such an animal, he demonstrates their behavior.

Dane wants a monkey that throws its own poo, which he is acting out above. Hardly a surprise coming from someone who finds humor at the bottom of a shit-filled bucket and advocates defecating on strangers’ coats for a laugh.

There’s the audio. Dane also wishes to fit his monkey with armor and give it a sword so after a hard day at work he can come home and do battle with it. To me Dane’s idea of pet ownership sounds not only disgusting, but dangerous, but the crowd loves it. They give him another standing ovation.

Then it’s time for the boys to play some poker. The winner gets a massive 500 dollars. At the start of the game Bobby lets everyone know that Jay Davis is actually a good poker player. “He comes in like he’s dumb and he don’t know how to add, but he knows what he’s doing.”

Jay makes quick work of Gary. Gary lets us in on the way he copes with such a defeat. “I’m very competitive, but the thing that I do is I say, ‘Well, I suck at poker, but I don’t even like poker, so who cares?’” Keep telling yourself that Gary.

It’s now down to the only two guys wearing sunglasses indoors, Jay and Dane.

The TLC Killer gets the best of Dane once again.

Dane is so angry that he throws his sunglasses off.

“I’m flabbergasted at this entire situation. I don’t lose. I feel like I’m on a foreign planet.”
Dude, just wait until Employee of The Month comes out.

Then we get to listen in on a conversation where Bobby puts forth the idea that there are “LA comics” and “New York comics.” Jay asks what Dane would be considered and Bobby says LA.

Dane takes great offense to this label and goes off on a long spiel that involves something about pursuing avenues of creativity, and how LA is full of people who are into making cool shirts. Frankly I wasn’t really paying attention.

And in a surprising development, neither was Bobby.

Next up are some scenes reminding us that college kids love Dane. Frosty tips begins by telling us that the fans in Massachusetts (Dane’s home state) are so “o.g.” that they’re lined up an hour and a half before the show starts. By that rationale I think nearly every fan on the tour would qualify as “o.g.” But hey, I’m probably wrong, these are Dane’s original fans. Let’s talk to some of them and find out their level of devotion.

“I’m sure you’ve seen Dane Cook live,” Jay says to this poncho-clad college student. “Never. I own the dvd though,” the student replies.
Jay decides to change tactics and begins asking the people in line what their favorite Dane Cook bits are.

Burger King.

Burger King.

Burger…no, monopoly!

This guy’s my favorite. He’s sporting a homemade shirt that says “Dane Cook Favorite Standup Comedian” on it and announces to Jay, as if he can’t read, “Dane’s my favorite standup comedian.” Then he places his hand over his heart and says, “heartfelt, heartfelt.”

This girl tells us about how the sophomore class of Fitchburg college signed a petition threatening to drop out of school if Dane didn’t perform at their college.

The conclusion I came to after seeing all this footage is that college students love Dane Cook. If that point wasn’t drilled into your skull by now, Dane then has a conversation with the Dean of Students. The focus of their talk? How college students love Dane Cook.

Tullio regales Dane with an exciting tale of prospective students who finalized their college acceptance after learning Dane was coming to town. Dane leans back, a smile on his face and says simply, “That is unbelievable.”

Dane decides this is the best time to have a rap session with Jay about “the crowd.”
“I remember when you and I had one of our first real conversations about comedy and I remember I told you ‘don’t think of it as a crowd.’ Stop calling it the crowd. It’s people. People who get up, get babysitters, get gas, drive their car, pay for parking, pay for a valet, and come into a room and sit. It’s individuals, it’s people.”

You should really hear it.
While Dane was speaking so eloquently about his fans and a guitar was being gently strummed in the background, I was picturing soccer moms preparing for a night of chuckles, laborers going out to forget the hardships of their job, looking for a little escape and a lot of animated storytelling. But then, this isn’t the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. It’s Tourgasm. So while Dane was talking about people getting babysitters and paying for valet parking (what campus has valet parking?), onscreen we are shown slow motion shots of Dane’s real fans:

Young.

White.

College students.

Maybe it was Dane’s pep talk, but Jay was inspired to do a little dance.

And tell us how he’s so thankful to be part of a “legendary comedy tour.” I hate to break it to you Jay, but this tour will probably go down as the the beginning of the end for Dane.

Jay’s too busy telling jokes to think about the future though. In this joke he tells us about how at his gym in Hollywood there are 3 “nude dudes” who hang out in the locker room all the time and creep him out.

Jay combats the nude dudes by locking himself in a stall, removing his belt.

Snapping it in front of his mouth and saying the following,”Aaah. You’re hurting me Rocco. Ohh. I don’t know if I want to spot you any more dude. You’re hitting me in the back of the neck.”

Give it a listen. I honestly can’t figure out what Jay is telling us here. Is he pretending to be raped by someone named Rocco or are they just engaged in rough sex? Is it possible they’re masturbating together and Rocco then began punching Jay in the back of the neck? I’ve got no clue. I also have no clue why any of these activities would keep the nude dudes from coming around. In fact, I think, if anything, it would pique their curiosity all the more. Apparently the crowd knew exactly what he was talking about, because they loved the joke.

Bobby loved it too. He chuckles heartily while offstage and says, “cocky douche.”

Jay’s stoked.

Dane comes out with a double super finger for the crowd. He tells them some jokes about wanting to be a cop that aren’t worth mentioning here. The crowd then waits in line.

If it wasn’t enough that Dane was hugging someone, the cameraman held up a newspaper showing Dane on the front page. This is almost as ridiculous as his double sufi. And then the episode ends.

At least I thought so.

After the credits are over, Bobby is shown wrestling Dane onto a bed and biting Dane’s elbow. Dane then asks Bobby why he did that and Bobby replies, “Because that’s what I do.” Swear to god.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 21st, 2006 at 5:20 pm and is filed under tourgasm, dane cook. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.