Owing to other obligations, this may well be my last Tourgasm recap. Unless the season finale is totally awesome. But anyway, here’s episode 7.

It’s the second to last day of Tourgasm, and the boys are yet again hanging out in the RV.

It turns out Jay had a lady come back to the RV the night before. Gary asks Jay if she “took care of him,” and Jay replies, “No, I’m celibate. And not by choice either, really.” Wait, what? It kind of seems like they’re trying to establish that Jay likes women, yet still stick to the ritual of breaking his castanets. Whatever the case is, it reminds me of a certain other frosty tipped dude who spent a lot of time in the gym, was completely hairless from the neck down, frequented tanning salons, and attempted to create the image that he liked ladies:

Last what? God I love you laws of travel.

Apparently there’s a last time to play miniature golf on tour.

And stick a putter up Bobby’s poop chute, as Dane is demonstrating above.

And then the editors bring us Bobby and Jay hugging. Who would have thought that things would have come full circle between two guys that just couldn’t seem to get along the whole tour?

Gary’s too busy doing his woodchuck impression to be bothered by any potential NAMBLA meetings happening nearby.

Dane does his impression of a pock marked comedian whose fifteen minutes are nearing.

Gary dons his Matrix style sunglasses, which apparently give him the edge.

Because he gets a hole in one and trumps Dane. He triumphantly raises his fist into the air and walks around his defeated opponents, basking in their sorrow.

And, perhaps not wishing to miss the hug train himself, Gary embraces this heretofore unnamed member of the Tourgasm troop.

Dane may have lost the game of miniature golf, but he’s a winner in the game of life, as he demonstrates by reading an email from a blind fan’s parents about how appreciative they are of Dane and everyone else. Dane prefaces the email reading by saying, “We should all be really proud of this.”

Then it’s time for the comedians to do what they do best. Entertain college students who think it’s funny to flip off the camera and showcase their protruding ribcages.

Backstage Jay admits to Dane and producer Brian that he’s feeling a bit “downtrod” about the tour’s inevitable end. Dane corrects him and says “downtrodden?” Jay says, “Yeah, whatever that word means.”

Bobby’s feeling the opposite of downtrodden, as he places Dane’s hand over his chest ever so gently, and lets Dane feel the beating of his heart.

Dane lets the audience in on how he feels, as he gives his version of the double bird to them.

Dane tells the crowd that when a woman is coming over, he likes to trim his pubic hair, specifically his balls, which he points out for anyone not familiar with colloqualisms or basic anatomy.

And again.

And one more time.

No, he’s not taking a shit. He’s acting out what it’s like to dip his balls in wax. Though I could see how some folks might think his squat is representative of a bowel movement if you look at his previous work:

Dane wraps it all up with a comparison to a Charms blow pop. For the full audio of the joke, hit play.

Which of course received a standing ovation.

And was followed by hugs.

And posing. The secret ingredients of any Dane Cook tour. It must be day 30 now right?

Wrong. In a strange surprise, that previous day seems to have never existed.

Bobby tells us that Dane has gone back to his old high school.

From off camera Jay finally gives Bobby some of his own medicine. And Bobby likes the taste so much…

That Jay gives him another dose, though worded slightly differently.

Dane returns to his high school, coming “full circle” as he explains to us in a voiceover.

The mere sight of Dane is enough to make even the most jaded high schoolers literally jump for joy. Check the guy in the tan hat. He could like totally clear a saw horse or something.

High fives for everyone around. I’m starting to get the impression that high school students like Dane just as much as college students. The strange thing is some of them seem to have issues signing waivers, so there’s a bunch of odd faces blurred out in all these scenes at Dane’s high school.

Yup. They like him.

Dane tries to calm the screaming teens down for a minute and has them huddle around as he tells a tale about a young man named Dane Cook who stood in that exact same spot years ago, hoping to join the drama club, which in his world, would lead to standup comedy. The fans look nonplussed thoughout his story, but perk up considerably when standup is mentioned. I wonder what Dane looked like in high school?

Oh yeah.

Then it’s time to meet up with Dane’s old creative writing teacher. Can you guess what they might reminisce about? How funny Dane was in high school, you’re right.

Dane takes to the high school stage that he stood on so many years ago to show the audience how funny he is.

The sound quality in the auditorium is absolute shit, but apparently Dane is cool with it.

His bro certainly is.

He tells us about how he enjoys seeing Dane perform now just as much as he did when he was younger.

Dane decides to have a rap session with the kids.

Which features one of my favorite moments from a Dane fan. It’s a simple question, but the way it’s phrased and the low, guttural, nicotine-tinged voice of the white hatted guy asking it makes me laugh every time. In my head every Dane Cook fan/serial date raper sounds like this guy. Give him a listen and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Dane does some more of his patented physical comedy for the crowd.

And is the recipient of yet another standing ovation.

“How many people can stand in a place and feel nothing, and someday stand in that same place and feel something? I did that.”

Dane can also say that he hid in a closet to scare producer Brian.

No shit, huh?

“This is the worst day of my entire life.” Oh, c’mon. Imagine what it would be like if you got drunk, drove, got arrested for a d.u.i., referred to a female police officer as “sugar tits,” and suggested that “the fucking Jews” were responsible for all the wars in the world. That might be a little worse than over packing.

Moving along.

A heaping helping of shaving cream right in the face!

I think Dane and the guy’s watched “Pay It Forward” during Tourgasm or something, because instead of gearing up to get Bobby back, Dane has other targets for his retaliation.

It’s a two pronged attack as Bobby uses his lips against Jay’s cheek as a weapon.

While Dane slathers on the shaving cream. Jay got Cook’d!

And he couldn’t be more pleased.

Gary has a decidedly different reaction to getting a quarter faceful of shaving cream on his nostril and glasses.

He wrestles Jay to the ground, pulls his shirt over his head, and starts violently beating Jay with his hat.

Then switches to a nearby shoe, as he continues to pummel Jay.

Gary surprises even himself with a beating that raised welts on Jay’s tanned, hairless back. Yet the emotion he feels is not one of remorse, but amazement.

AKA call Dad, who is surpsingly low-key for being one half of the group that spawned the most animated comic most college students have ever seen.

Dane wants his dad to come to the show tonight.

Dad might be able to make it.

Dad’s severe lack of enthusiasm leads Dane to put his head in his hands as he laments his Dad’s response to his appearance on Letterman, “He called me and said, ‘Wow, saw you on the tube. Long show. Why are you on so late? Well listen, there are some positions opening up at the golf course’.” And father of Dane was not joking.

And then we get to see the man himself. These are his exact words:
“It’s strange to see, as a parent, to sit back in an audience and look up and see your son. But it’s no different than a daughter tap dancing, or another child in a school play, just trying their best. And it’s like anything in life, if you try your best, good things will happen.”

Dane uses clothing to let us know how he feels about his hometown.

Because it’s the last show of the tour.

Jay’s so excited that he literally jumps for joy.

And dusts off an old classic, the TLC Killer, which Jay has severely edited, yet still fails to understand the meaning of the phrase “kill them with kindness.”

Then explains to us that the TLC bit might become a big part of his act in the future. Do I really need to write anything about that?

Bobby admits to the crowd that he’s become “such a fat piece of shit on this tour.” Bobbly wasn’t particularly svelte at the beginning of the tour either, so I’m not quite sure what he’s talking about.

“Tourgasm is the way comedy should be. Comics helping other comics out, and killing it every night. And then meeting every goddamn fan, and shaking every goddamn hand, and thanking every goddamn person for coming out. That’s what Tourgasm is. And it’s chicks flashing boobies too. That was nice. Not that I did anything.”

Jay professes his love for Bobby. Bobby reminds Jay that he hated him at first, but Jay corrects him and says, “I didn’t hate you, I hated your actions.”

The goodwill in the room is so strong that Bobby shakes Jay’s hand.

And puts his penis on Jay’s shoulder.

Despite the smile on Jay’s face, he jumps up out of his seat and acts like he totally wasn’t into what just happened.

Elsewhere Dane and Gary are having a love fest of their own, though thankfully without any exposed genitalia in the mix.

Just good dudes sharing good hugs.

Cut to Dane attempting to pick his favorite moment of Tourgasm as so many things rush through his head and our screen.

My favorite moment, by the way. Ultimately Dane cops out and says “all of it” was his favorite moment. I was really hoping he was going to say this:

Despite the fact that no one was seen going to a Chinese restaurant, Bobby whips out a fortune cookie, which he believes can accurately sum up the tour. I wonder if any of the 7 story consultants suggested this stunt?

“Ideas you may believe are absurd ultimately lead to success.”

One last photo op.

A quick cut to some moments from older episodes.

And it is then that Dane Cook director, ends the episode with Dane Cook the comedian getting a standing ovation from the largest crowd of the tour.

After the credits a joker cosmetics looking Dane tells us that Tourgasm is over. Thanks for the laughs and the memories.

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