The Gardening
I recently saw the trailer for Zach Braff’s new film and was left shocked in my seat. The source of my surprise was that the title of the film was not “Garden State 2: The College Years,” but instead the near meaningless “The Last Kiss.” The credits also informed me that it was penned by the same scribe that gave us “Crash,” aka the most ham-handed film ever inspired by liberal, white guilt, and “Million Dollar Baby.”
At first I thought that Braff must have collaborated on the script, but he has no credit listed. Which is odd, considering the film follows Zach Braff’s 10 Easy Tips for Writing Films About Twenty-Somethings® to the letter.
Check it out:
1. The film’s central character should be an emotionally stunted, disaffected, white man in his 20s, who ponders THE BIG QUESTIONS in life, but doesn’t know where he stands.
2. Major events that inspire the pondering of life, such as a funeral or wedding, are central to the plot.
3. The perfect catalyst for change should come in the form of a small, perky, impossibly cute, dark-haired Jewess, who, for some inexplicable reason, is deeply attracted to the protagonist, despite the fact that his personality is about as exciting as a soggy peanut butter sandwich.
4. The women are always a fount of pseudo new age advice, and feel free to dispense it at will. Some helpful advice could be, “That’s life. If nothing else, it’s life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it’s sort of all we have.” Or “The world is moving so fast now that we start freaking out way before our parents did, because we don’t stop to breathe anymore.”
5. Kooky friends walk parallel to the protagonist.
6. The protagonist should close his eyes often and meditate on when his life wasn’t ruled by the debilitating pain of wondering how to connect with other people, or whether he should get married and have kids.
7. Sprinkle a liberal amount of shots of the protagonist looking disaffected throughout the film. Maximum disaffection can be attained by casting the eyes downward.
8. Couches are the best type of furniture to be disaffected on.
9. Fill the father role with an Academy Award nominated actor. Then there will always be at least one talented actor in the film.
10. And lastly, turning things on and off looks cool (I learned how to make animated gifs just for this).
i am impressed. geezus, well done.
How people Zach Braff ever get to make movies is beyond me. The mid-west demographic must be stopped!! I blame NYU!
nice work, i am very proud of you.
I’m totally lollerblading !!1
fucking. genius.
my favorite entry so far.
and coming from a disaffected 20 something that means a lot. for reals.
Wow. Bravo! My exact thoughts when I saw the trailer… but with clever juxtaposed images and animated gifs. Take that Zach ‘pouty face’ Braff!
(((m)))
“Couches are the best type of furniture to be disaffected on.” LMAO.
Your analysis is pure genius. I was probably the only person bored to tears while watching Garden State, waiting for the white people to stop whining, doing drugs and having pseudo orgies. But then I’m not white, nor a guy.
You are my hero. Thank you so much for writing this. L’Ultimo Bacio is one of my favorite movies, and when I found out that the king of disaffection was starring in its American remake, I nearly popped an aneurysm.
THANK YOU!! I knew it had to be a remake. I argued with one of my wannabe hipster film buff buddies about this for at least an hour. I just sat there on my couch disaffected. And oblivious to the very world around me that I am pondering.
Great job on the comparison, Mr. Palmer. Thank you!
You’re fucking awesome. That analysis was right on. Thank you.
You forgot to mention the requisite soundtrack of alternative wussy rock a la Coldplay, Snow Patrol, and Rufus Wainwright.
Otherwise, perfection!
I’m sending this to all those idiots who told me how good Garden State was.
P.S. You should branch out and do an ani of Glenn Close turning on and off the lamp in Fatal Attraction.
Oh, please… can’t you tell how different these films are?
In Garden State, his hair is down, with bangs parted to the sides, while in The Last Kiss, his hair is clearly up off his forehead.
;)
I’ve been attemting to document, in my own small way, the irksome desperation and narcissism of the Braff ouevre for some time. (How can a man be simultaneously so self-aggrandizing yet so drowsy?) But you really seem to have hit the nail on the head with this post. Well played.
This is exactly what went through my head when I saw the previews for the new one
“Is specious dreck like this the best that indie cinema can come up with nowadays, in its desperate flailing for something quirky, honest?…Garden State, with its bland and desperate humor, is symptomatic of zombification, and, as sad as it sounds, the quintessential product by and for uninspired times.”
http://www.perihelionjournal.com/reviews/GardenState.html
Did you ever see that episode of Punk’d, when they spraypainted Zach Braff’s Porsche? Man, he was pissed.
That was fuckin hilarious.
Thank you, thank you, thank god for you. This post is incredible.
The only problem is that Garden State was about not being able to connect.
This movie is about him doubting the connection he already has.
Proof that if you can play with words in witty fashion you can always forget the big picture.
This is almost as bad as when every magazine, radio station, and website thought they were funny by talking about Lance Bass being gay when he came out.
Big deal.
Try a not-so-easy topic next time, kid.
I find it interesting that you’ve gleaned all of this from a thirty second trailer, and even further interesting and slightly disturbing that you’ve taken the time to not only document these apparent parallels between two films, which is hardly an uncommon phenomenon in Hollywood, but also to teach yourself how to create animated gifs soley for the purpose of annihiliating someone’s work. I guess I can find reason enough in the title of your blog…
I think you’ve given Zach Braff far too much credit for his “10 Easy Tips for Writing Films About Twenty-Somethings”. Here in Hollywood, we call that a formula and it’s an age-old tradition impossible to attribute to a contemporary. Zach Braff didn’t invent the formula, the dollar did. I also think that you must possess some deep-seated hatred of Zach Braff due to a some sort of mild psychosis and possibly a dark childhood incident.
You should probably see the film in its entirety before passing such heavy-handed judgement. Or wait, how about this? If you don’t like Zach Braff or films about twenty-somethings and their bullshit struggles and existential crises, don’t see the fucking movie. Perhaps the greatest justice will be when you find yourself on the brink of thirty with your dick on your hand in a state of disaffection on a couch and you don’t even have the option of contemplating your future with someone you love. Here in Hollywood, the land of dreams and make-believe, it’s sunny and beautiful and I think I hear the sound of another twenty-something film being green-lit. Enjoy.
“here in Hollywood?!?!” Puhhleees…
Samantha, get over yourself. I love the lines “If you don’t like Zach Braff or films about twenty-somethings and their bullshit struggles and existential crises, don’t see the fucking movie.” It’s like she’s saying that criticism, and funny, acidic criticism at that, has no place in contemporary culture. I love self-appointed bitter chicks, something we have no shortage of “here in Hollywood”. Nice work dude. Although I dug Garden State I still have to laugh when someone uses wit and animated gifs to take the piss out of someone who’s a bit too self-important.
Very impressive analysis. Sadly I will still see this pile of crap. They suck me in with that 30 something mumbojumbo about life. Maybe I will learn something about myself that I couldn’t learn on scrubs
[…] Zach Braff’s 10 Easy Tips for Writing Films About Twenty-Somethings®. […]
I thought Garden State was totally lame. Thank you.
Great post, spot on.
Also, if you want a hearty laugh, check out that poster “Scotty”s myspace. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more stereotypical indie-hipster douchebag. Your evisceration of his spiritual guide must have touched a nerve.
regarding rule #3: Is this technique reliable for securing Jewesses, how do you find them (outside of Fairfax district in Hollywood) and WHY would they find this fish-lipped indie hipster adorable? Scrubs doesnt do sh*t for me, and I swear if one more 20-something contemplates life like they are 78 then I will eat my own feces. Are these Jewesses actually orgasmic at 20 something? Zach is as attractive as pickled herring at Canters (which has it’s moments)
“Last Kiss” is a remake of an italian movie.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2004/02/20/the_last_kiss_2004_review.shtml
Wow. Samantha seems to have a dark childhood moment of her own in there somewhere.
BWAH! Brian Palmer, I would be reaching to scratch out your eyes since Zach Braff is my BiRacialBabyDaddy, but shite, you speak the truth. It’s the hot hot truth but it is indeed the truth.
that was just ridiculously awesome and hilarious, if you ever find more relationships like this for other movies, please do again!
Thank You. Zach Braff is a blowhard and Garden State was a terrible cliché. I thought everyone loooved that film, so it’s nice to know I’m not alone in thinking that it totally sucked!
What is the point of this analysis? Blog-supremacy. This is far from genius. Pointing out how mainstream an idea is so that you seem indie cool has been going on for a long time. What’s with everyone’s obsession with things they hate? I’ll never understand it.
When I don’t like something, I rarely go out of my way to mindfuck everyone else’s view of it.
I count Garden State as one of my favorite films of all time…
But yeah, I do see where you’re coming from. There are some similarities.
But I’ll still see it, because though it may be unoriginal doesn’t mean it’s bad.
Something tells me “Samantha” is Zach Braff (since he spends the majority of his time on the internet as stated on Jay Leno). Coupla things: 1) I saw the full version of Punk’d and Zach punched that kid in the stomach not once, but twice. Edited out. But if you notice, he does say “I won’t hit him again,” when he comes over after the edit. 2) I met Peter Sarsgaard in NYC and he was pretty up front stating that he hated the script, didn’t think Zach was a good director, and only did it for the money. He said he’d speed over his punch lines (when Zach would tell him to punch them) because he was “not a TV actor doing TV acting.” I also hated Garden State, but mostly because it pissed me off how he was encouraging going off lithium cold turkey… that by doing so and confronting your demons that you’d be happy. People that go off lithium cold turkey usually end up comitting suicide shortly after. Great moral.
i dont know if this has been said already, as i dont feel like reading the rest of the comments, but this film is actually a remake of the italian film “l’ultimo bacio” which was actually quite a good movie. although they have changed quite a bit and i think some of the most important parts were lost in translation/interpretation. but i’m just going on what zach has said about the movie, as i’ve not seen it yet. l’ultimo bacio is worth checking out though.
Ha ha. Congrats on the link.
Funny shit.
You made me start to hate Zach Braff.
i enjoyed Garden State. Its one of my favourite movies. I also really want to The Last Kiss. Like someone has previously said, if you dont like Zach Braff, then dont watch any of his stuff. nuff said
Couldn’t be more accurate. The Crash jab killed me.
Get over it, people. Zach Braff is young, successful, iand lots of women think he’s HOT! Garden State was better than a lot of the pretentious indie crap that comes out. I think most of you are just jealous.
savvy indeed! very cool… i’m still laughing cos someone said lollerblading… so funny!!!
Also, compare Garden State and THE GRADUATE! Braff is not creative in the slightest, geez he even used Simon and Garfunkel. What a hack!
tm, I used to agree with your point of view, but let’s face it: ZIB’s officially old and tired now. He admits Woody Allen’s his idol, because it wasn’t obvious enough - and ripping him off then remixing the format - isn’t big or clever
*Stands up to applaude Brain Palmer.* Dude, that was a bang on accurate list. Big love from London UK.
Pretty clever; but it makes me even more excited to see the film…I loved Garden State and Zach. I’m not crazy about this movie title, however. It should have been something else. The film will do well regardless—-everyone I know is excited to see it.
if it weren’t a re-make, i might be inclined to agree.
i think elizabethtown did a lot more ripping off of garden state then anything else so far.
but i guess, i’ll have to see the movie, and not just analyze the trailer.
Funny stuff! Let’s remember people, this is supposed to be fun, why are people being all serious?
>I think most of you are just jealous.
YES! That must be why i enjoyed this post so much. Now please let me know what I’m jealous of, exactly?
You don’t need Braff to tell you life is tough…every generation has something to whine about…watch “The Big Chill” and laugh at all the characters self-evaluation…count your blessings and get fucked up with your friends!
What movie would make these ZB haters get their ass off their cloud of judgment…
Everything about Garden State that is being decried here is precisely what makes people want to see a movie.
I really am curious…
Damn. I wish I was a petite Jewess, and not the 5 10″ non-jewess that I am.
/ I’m looking forward to the movie, and do find Mr. Braff quite desirable, though I do find the review above amusing.
I think this post is hilarious but to the guy who said Braff ripped off The Graduate — I’m relatively sure he’s not THAT stupid, and the use of Simon & Garfunkel was a deliberate homage.
best quote from the comment section:
“I swear if one more 20-something contemplates life like they are 78 then I will eat my own feces”
Truethat.
Oh my, Samantha. Such offense you take! From “Hollywood,” no less.
Your reasoning is brilliant.
If one’s skin crawls at the thought of ‘Garden State,” then “you must possess some deep-seated hatred of Zach Braff due to a some sort of mild psychosis and possibly a dark childhood incident.”
As much as I’m certain Braff googles all hios negative publicity, he’s not going to find this page, then track you down and fuck you for all your fine support, Samantha.
Kudos. An excellent analysis.
I like scrubs
Damn! i really liked Garden State..scrubs..and zach braff. Now I feel like a 20 something loser myself!
your post was spot on though
.. wtg.. loved it!
There would be no Garden State without Cameron Crowe.
Hipster loser + impossibly cool girl + soundtrack = Cameron Crowe movie magic.
I liked Garden State–b/c I like Cameron Crowe movies–but I really expected him to say “You had me at ‘kick his balls’” when he comes back for her at the end.
Right on point. I too noticed most of this and pointed it out in the following post:
http://www.trashingtrailers.com/?p=38
Funny stuff, but not particularly on target. There are definite similarities (the most obvious being the soundtracks, since Zach did them both, but then, I like The Shins and Snow Patrol), and The Last Kiss does feel a little like a sequal in that it’s a coming-of-age movie for 30-year-olds (who maybe should have come of age a little sooner, but then again, isn’t that a pretty acurate reflection of reality?). In The Last Kiss, you like Braff’s character, but no one is asking you to feel sorry for him. It may be whiny white guy feeling sorry for himself, but the film isn’t prodding you to feel for him the same way Garden State did. This time, Braff makes stupid decisions and has to face the consequences.
The points you make are funny and some are very true if aprapos of nothing. Tom Wilkenson, who is excellent as always, plays the girlfriend’s father, by the way, not Braff’s. I liked The Last Kiss more than I thought I would. Garden State felt like a bigger event than this one, but The Last Kiss is still a good film.
right the fuck on.
i liked garden state, but seeing the trailer for the last kiss cheapened everything for me. depressing.
Get a fucking life.
I liked Garden State. But the trailer for Last Kiss makes the movie look like crap… I especially agree with your assessment of Crash. That is definitely spot on!
WTF, it takes an asshole that can’t make movies to make fun of movies as good as these. Just cause your all emo don’t mean you have to screw up everything for everyone else
You’ve cracked The Zach Braff Code. Get me Dan Brown on the line.
heey! let’s mark this down under who gives a shit!
so true… I would just add 1(b): all characters in film will ignore the fact that dissaffected supposedly 20-year-old actually looks about 35 and way too old to be this obsessed with himself.
I saw THE LAST KISS at a screening in Sherman Oaks and it is Amazing!!! You leave the theatre feeling so exhausted. It also sparked a huge discussion with my friends which is always a sign of a good film.
that is hilarious.
I think for the most part, the comments here are idiotic. Genius? Amzing analysis? He doesn’t like Zach Braff, he’s not a genius! This is the kind of shit people talk about when they are drinking (coffee or booze) and just want something to whine or argue about.
I’ll be the first to admit that this was funny to me, even though I really like Zach Braff’s work. It was even well thought out. I give credit to any writer for a well-thought-out essay, even if I completely disagree with the topic. Kudos to Brian.
Comment writers: ugh. Comments like, “that is hilarious”, and, “Get a fucking life” are pointless. You have nothing of value to say. Sure, you have emotion, and that’s a lot, but there is no substance here; no reasoning or logic. Saying that is just like voting on something; you click ‘Agree’ or ‘Disagree’. Comments should have more to them than that.
Brian: nice. Despite the fact that I think you’re full of crap here, you are still a clever guy, and that gets you aces in my book. Cheers.
I have loved Garden state, despite all the faults that you correctly points out but why does nobody say that the script of the last kiss is A REMAKE of the italian movie “l’ultimo bacio” (2001) meaning infact the last kiss?
i’m sorry somebody actually said this
OMG! Shit, now I have to find a new formula….
I liked Garden State. But probably because I’m hooked on Coldplay and Frou Frou. But I mostly listen to Eminem and Kanye West.
It was fun watching Zach being totally cold turkey and not feeling anything. Geez, his mother dies and he doesn’t even cry. He must have been trying to portray emo kids or twentysomething emos out there. I suspect he also watches Drawn Together and likes Toot character.
Anyway, a very good posting indeed. But if you came to those conclusions after just watching the trailer then kudos to you.
Nice one.They both have so much in common.Oh,yeah,you fogot to add”do something crazy or unique to truly find yourself and be original like, doing a weird action in some girls bedroom or yelling out loud at yourself in your car”
he didn’t direct Last Kiss however right?
Zach just watches too many Charlie Kaufman movies…
Very good. The funniest assessment I’ve read since I saw a short film by the critic Elvis Mitchell titled “How to Make Your Own Oliver Stone Movie In 7 Easy Steps.”
I haven’t seen Garden State but I admit I like Scrubs. There those are my Braff credentials. Anyway, I just felt like pointing out the idiocy of writing a blog comparing the similiraties between two movies and berating the person whom you believe to have been a contributor to the screenplay for the movie for said similarities.
If you berate someone for having written something so similar to something else they already wrote, make sure you do your research first and find out if he really wrote it in the first place. THIS IS A REMAKE OF AN ITALIAN MOVIE which in turn plays on very old and familiar themes. The asshole from Crash adn Million Dollar Baby (which was highly amusing to me btw) just Americanized it.
oh and I didn’t include my email because this is all I have to say on the matter and don’t really care what you have to say after having seen your sad display of intelligence in your blog. I just happened to have gotten here on accident.
Hey, this is pretty funny…but to be honest, you could do this with almost any actor…but the thing that surprised me is how Braff’s head has gone so beefy…if his head were made of veal, which I know it is not, but if it were, it would be $15 a pound.
Wow. He’s written an entire ONE film that’s been released. And you’ve seen a trailer for the next one—that he didn’t even write!
Yep. That’s enough source material for a lengthy post like this.
Let’s go back to ALL screenwriter’s first efforts and make stupid lists like this. Like we could make the Charlie Kaufman guide to writing movies based on “Being John Malkovich” and that alone and determine that you must always have a barely-recognizable John Cusack and people finding a tunnel into John Malkovich’s mind. I’m sure that’s in all of his films! Or we can go back to Night Shamalyn post-”Sixth Sense” and say that, to write films like him you always need a creepy little kid and a dead protagonist.
Of course, you’d look like an idiot once “Adaptation.” or “Unbreakable” came out but. . .well, hey. You already do.
In some of the interviews Zach Braff said he did collaborate with Paul Haggis. He also rewrote a lot of the dialogue and compiled the soundtrack.
“Still, with The Last Kiss, Braff did tweak some of the dialogue in the script, adapted by Canadian Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby, Crash) from the hugely popular Italian movie L’Ultimo Bacio
“I felt like I could really relate to this character and these guys so I asked (Tony) if I could do a little tinkering and make it a little more how me and my friends speak in terms of some of the banter,” Braff said. “And also we found a couple of places to add a couple of more jokes. ”
http://jam.canoe.ca/Movies/Artists/B/Braff_Zach/2006/09/10/1821959.html
Fantastic! Really, a top-notch analysis. Now let’s see your ingenious original script. You are excellent as dissecting and commenting on others’, now I’d like to see your interpretation of what an original script should be–of course you are not allowed to incorporate elements that have ever been used in another film—that’s right, ever! Let’s see whatcha got!
i consider most nationwide, tv promoted movies to be indie too. thanks for agreeing with me.
His hair has improved from movie 1 to movie 2. That is the deepest observation this perky blond protestant could muster for Braff.
Hilarious, even for a Zach Braff fan.
What have any of you done that allows you to speak so negatively of the work that others produce? This is what’s wrong with the world today. Pretentious, self righteous ass-clowns the whole lot of you. I want to see anyone of you do something half as good as these two films, problem is you can’t. All you’re capable of doing is pointing out the short comings of others, in a sad attempt at making your own miserable existences that less pathetic. If you’re such a genius then show us, create a film that people can connect with, that’ll touch the minds and souls of millions. Until you accomplish that, I don’t think you or any of your ego stroking cock swallowers should talk.
It’s funny because it’s true. I hope Hollywood has finally bashed this formula into the ground and will move on next year.
With this in mind, that DVD got me laid multiple times so I can’t complain.
That was perfect.
This blog entry, with all its comments, pretty much epidomizes irony. Is anyone else as amused as I am by it? Slightly threatening that there are so many of us out there. I am so not original. Damnit.
We’ve got to find something better to do people. Thankfully I prefer movies that don’t cater specifically to me, otherwise I might start taking this shit too seriously…
PEOPLE, Zach Braff didn’t even fuckin direct The Last Kiss…..jesus tittyfucking christ this whole comparison, while interesting, MEANS NOTHING
Didn’t see the movie, but now I am sure I wont have to. That’s life and it is moving so fast that I don’t have time to worry about someone elses problems kinda flick. Hippie movie. Nice work.
It is funny, but you’re kind of a dick.
Brilliant. So glad you all agree! Natalie and Zach totally ruined Garden State with their horrible posing, I mean, acting. Maybe Rachel will redeem this film? She’ll have to, since he sure can’t. Bring the young Dustin Hoffman back… better looking and a better actor to boot. The Graduate Redux. Can’t anyone have an original idea in H’ywood?
Very funny similarities, bravo with the screencaps.
And I’m a huge Zach Braff fan, so that’s saying something.
But he didn’t write it! So the title doesn’t make much sense.
Ah that’s amusingly pathetic. Nice to see someone with no talent belittle people that clearly do. I seem to remember Garden State being a huge critical hit, winning numerous film festival awards, and being the second best film to come out in 2004.
Also, perhaps our critic here might be obliged to see The Last Kiss, before making the assumption it’s a Garden State clone. Obviously the marketing will play on Graden State’s success in order to make it a few extra bucks. So next time, maybe think before you spend all that time making animated GIF’s. Pretty sad.