Heroin
Recently, my landlord Dave—a trim, white-haired fellow who spends most of his time fishing in the Bahamas—asked my roommate Andrew if he knew where to buy some heroin. Dave didn’t want to get high.
He wanted the heroin so he could plant it in our neighbors’ car and call the police.
Dave felt this was the best way to deal with our dirty, thieving, gypsy neighbors who had recently begun siphoning gas from nearby cars.
As it turns out, in addition to selling a cornucopia of home appliances out of the back of their truck that no doubt fell off of another truck, the neighbors also sell drugs. So why Dave didn’t just buy the stuff from them and then drop a dime is beyond me. Maybe he has a sense of decency, I don’t know. But his plan was thwarted, as neither I, nor Andrew, have the connections for scoring some horse. It was back to the drawing board.
While Dave was busy calling up a friend on the housing board to see if he could file a complaint and get the neighbors evicted, Andrew went outside and found a length of hose and a gas can near their dumpster. Without hesitation, he scooped up the siphoning tools and threw them in the dumpster down the street.
While this was not the most creative solution to the problem, and didn’t involve the planting of illegal narcotics or police, it was the most effective. All I know is that the gas siphoning stopped, and that I will never cross Dave.
Or why can’t he just report to the police that the neighbor is selling drugs since it seems like there’s no need to plant them?
Yeah, there’s a ton of other ways to deal with the situation. I think if I were to come up with 100 solutions, not a single one would include buying heroin and planting it in their car.
Long time reader, first time Commenter: Brian, Dawg, I know you’re probably busy these days, but what’s the deal? These last two posts have been great, so why not stick with the trend?
I love the “Videos you should see” segment, it’s great, but are you just extremely busy in the outside world? Or is it the opposite: has there been a lack of interest on the site?
I’m not trying to be a pest, I’m just curious, so feel free to ignore me.
Hey Alex. Truth be told, lady inspiration is a fickle creature who seems to visit periodically, and oftentimes not at all. I have stuff in my head I’d like to post, but end up vetoing it a lot for some reason.
I’m currently finishing up getting a degree in journalism, so that takes up a good portion of my time. I’ve also been working on profiling a few of my favorite comedians and getting that stuff published, which is also taking some time. Once I’m done with school I’ll have a lot more time to write. I’m also going to be moving across the country to Brooklyn in September to pursue a feature writing career, so I’m sure the city will provide a fountain of inspiration to draw from. I think at that point this blog will begin to be much more about my every day life than it currently is.
Anyway, thanks for the interest and I’m glad you’ve been enjoying the (sporadic) posts.
Moving to the city! Exciting. Going from AST West to AST East.
Do you know if Ben Kharakh will be around? Hopefully this move will end up being a special thing.
I really enjoy that it’s specifically heroin. Why not pot, pills or crack? Crack would get them sent away for a lot longer!
You’ve had some interesting living situations lately. As for me, my housemates think everything is unhygienic and want me to write down the date and time of every local call I make. Each call costs twenty-five cents, so we have make sure that no one is paying 1/3 of $0.25 for local calls they didn’t make. Yep, I’m moving out…. or planting heroin on them and keeping the flat… I’m liking your landlord more and more.
I like to think that Dave specified heroin because he’s used this tactic in the past to successfully deal with annoying neighbors.
Your housemates sound annoyingly anal, and I think a move would be a good idea.
Ben doesn’t live in the city anymore, but he’s pretty close. So, you never know.