Sometimes I wonder what would happen if society ended and the only remnant future generations found was a single film. What would they glean from that? What would it tell them about human behavior in the 20th century?

No film has made me think about this more than “Perfect,” a 1985 bomb that stars John Travolta as a doe-eyed investigative reporter researching the hedonistic subculture of exercise gyms, which he proclaims are “the single bars of the 80s.” Starring opposite him is Jamie Lee Curtis, as the best exercise trainer at the den of iniquity known as The Sports Connection. Travolta’s thrust for the piece (thought not his thrusting, more on that later) bothers her so much that she decides the best course of action is to sleep with him. Interspersed throughout their cat and mouse game of comment/no comment, is some sort of plot involving Johnny interviewing an entrepreneur who had been screwed over by the FBI. Frankly, I’m a little hazy on the details, as I was so bowled over by everything else that happened.

Anyway, this is what I imagine future anthropologists would say:

In a “Perfect” world, it’s perfectly acceptable for a man to look like this:

While women look like this:

Mating is a somewhat elongated process, consisting of many stages.

First the male thrusts his genitalia at the object of his affection:

Then the female does the same:

The male thrusts a second time, just to be sure:

The female thrusts in turn:

Then the two lay down on the floor and pay homage to their god by thrusting into the air:

And then comes the final stage where they change clothes and sit in front of a black, glowing screen:

The female begins typing a query while the male looks on:

The male types his reply:

Coitus!

*Special thanks to Michael and Eliot for bringing this treasure to my attention.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 29th, 2008 at 8:14 pm and is filed under general, comedy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.