My morbid (some would say masochistic) fascination with comedian-to-the-co-eds/the most needlessly gesticulative man ever, Dane Cook, was given a new shot in the arm this weekend when SNL tapped him to host their season opener. He was paired with The Killers, because SNL knows what the kids like.

Dane came bounding out onstage full of exuberance, observations, and squats.

I prayed that his crouched position was an omen of the jokes to come, such as:

Dipping his testes satchel in wax.

Or:

Defecating on other people’s coats.

But the Dane gods did not hear my prayer. It turns out Dane was just limbering himself up for an animated discussion of negative people. I won’t spoil any of that bit though.

Because I’d like to address Dane’s keen observations about youtube. Dane trained his comedic microscope on the website (was he contractually obligated to?) and came to the conclusion that there sure are a lot of videos on there. It’s like he’s become a cultural anthropologist or something. Dane posits that you could type in any random thing and there would be a video for it. He uses the example of “A:F6,” and then describes a video of an obese child singing this over and over. Until Dane said it, the video didn’t exist, but some enterprising fans proved yet again that they were ready and willing to follow Dane off the cliff into a sea of banality.

Hence this:

Anyway, we all know SNL sucks now and that Dane isn’t funny, but sometimes it’s good to get a reminder.

HOW TO PROMOTE A MOVIE [THE ONION AV CLUB]

In anticipation of Dane Cook’s new HBO special, “A Vicious Circle,” airing tomorrow night, both Salon.com and The Los Angeles Times have decided to weigh in on Dane. The gist of both articles is the same, and nothing we haven’t heard before (or that I haven’t written): Dane is not funny. But both articles are worth reading for their criticism and attempts at explaining Dane’s popularity.

I particularly enjoyed The Times’ description of Tourgasm, “a conspicuously slight and infomercial-like ad to boost Cook’s rabid popularity among college-age fans; the rest was filler, Cook and his three comedian underlings in various states of homoerotic, roughhousing repose.” Homoeroticism and alliteration! Nice job LAT.

Salon’s article includes a bit of info that I had long counted as evidence of Dane’s homophobia and they came to the same conclusion:”..he’s terrible at impressions and when he’s imitating a woman, he inexplicably speaks in a high voice with a lisp, as if he’s doing a homophobic imitation of a gay man.” He’ll even use a limp wrist ocassionally, but maybe they thought that was overstating the case. They go on to succinctly sum up his appeal, “But Cook’s is the sort of non-threatening humor that appeals to people who, when watching Jon Stewart or Jerry Seinfeld, don’t feel like they’re in on the joke. With Cook, you’re always in on the joke.”

I’ve decided to put the text of both articles after the jump so you don’t have to watch any ads or visit bugmenot.

Enjoy the articles:
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Owing to other obligations, this may well be my last Tourgasm recap. Unless the season finale is totally awesome. But anyway, here’s episode 7.

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At every comedy show I go to people are talking about Dane Cook and Tourgasm. Dane’s on the lips and blogs of comedians everywhere. Apparently the way you capture the attention of every comedian in the country is not by making the smartest, funniest show you possibly can, but instead creating one of the worst programs ever.

Last week’s episode was yet another example of hubris, ego, scatalogical humor and forced activities. To quote Dane, ride with me people, because it’s that time again.

This episode was entitled “Competitively Speaking,” or alternately “Dane’s a poor loser.”
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Another week has passed and that means another episode of Tourgasm. I was considering writing another commentary for it, but the amount of time involved is daunting, and this episode didn’t really warrant the same amount of scrutiny. That’s not to say there weren’t some amazing moments in it. Because there were. What I’ve decided to do is each week give you the highlights of the episode. Anyway, enough of my yakkin’, let’s boogie.

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Dane Cook is the number one comedian among people my age. He recently had the biggest selling comedy CD, hosted SNL, appears on talk shows all the time, and plays sold out college shows around the country to his massive fan base. But there’s one catch, he’s not funny. Seriously. It’s almost like a performance art piece he’s doing.

If you’re not familiar with his material, count yourself lucky. Dane is very “animated,” as his fans say, and stalks around the stage, a whirling dervish of exuberance and enthusiasm, acting out even the most minute details of his jokes. His smoke and mirrors seem to have distracted people from the fact that he is painfully, abysmally, unfunny. At first I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that someone so awful could become so popular. But then I started looking at his fanbase, and it’s the same people who embraced ambassadors of bland Dave Matthews and Jack Johnson. Basically, your standard college idiot.

Don’t believe me? Try watching this clip of him talking about restrooms, questioning the name (”is there anybody just resting in this room?”) and why they’re so wet (”was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath?”), and experience for yourself just how bad Dane is.

So what of it? There are a ton of unfunny comedians out there. Where Dane sets himself apart, and becomes something truly special, is in his new HBO behind-the-scenes show, “Tourgasm,” of which he is the creator, director, self-described “leader,” and, I’d bet my bottom dollar, editor.

Dane capitalized on his growing success to set up a tour of US colleges, and brought along 3 other comedians and a camera crew. What, you may ask, happens when 4 comedians spend 30 days with each other on a luxury tour bus, participate in a number of forced activities, and through tears of laughter and sadness (no joke) attempt to get real? Next to nothing. “Tourgasm” is so incredibly bland and free of laughs that it hits bottom and comes right back up to the top again.

Lately I’ve seen LA comedian Andy Kindler performing all over town. Andy’s brought up Dane and Tourgasm every time, and has had me laughing far more than Dane ever has. Andy stalks around onstage a la Cook, points out the logical errors in Dane’s jokes (there are many), and highlights his favorite elements of Tourgasm. I could listen to Andy talk about Tourgasm all day long. As a result of seeing Andy’s discourse on Dane, I decided to give Tourgasm a view. I’m glad I did, because, quite simply, it blew my mind.

Tourgasm has all the elements of any bad reality show: 8 story consultants, forced activities, forced comraderie, forced drama, real tears, and more hugging than “Entourage.” If you think of it as a trainwreck, and watch it with the thought of Dane’s hand controlling every edit, it becomes one of the funniest shows currently on TV.

I’m going to attempt in words, pictures, and audio clips, to walk you through the brilliance that is episode 4 of Tourgasm. Click below for a shitload of screencaps and awesomeness.
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