Well, the enthusiasm for my Braff post seems to be dying down finally. Frankly, I’m a little relieved. If I learned anything from it, it was that some people get it and others don’t. And that some people have a very visceral reaction to what was meant to be a humorous post, with photos.

In addition to Samantha’s great comments, about every third person felt the need to point out that Zach Braff did not write the film (I never said he did, though it turns out he actually did write some of it), that it was a remake (I can read by the way, and did so during the credits), or some derivation on the theme that I was “jelous” [sic] of Braff (The Shins never changed my life).

My favorite comments though, were by a few people on Digg that took exception to my use of the word “Jewess,” and felt that this put me firmly in Strom Thurmond territory. I especially enjoyed SgnDave’s take:
“Personally, I think it’s an instance of “true colors shining through.” In the movie, the protagonist (Zach Braff, natch) is Jewish… the fact that he uses “Jewess” to knock down Portman’s character highlights the fact that the author is trying (emphasis: *trying*) not to appear racist. I think it’s clear he is.

It’s no better than calling someone Oriental in a hateful tone… the word itself may not carry a heavy connotation, but the context certainly does.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. It sounds like someone’s been using their jump to conclusions mat.

Truth be told, I actually had a huge crush on Natalie Portman at age 16, and was convinced I was in love with her and that she would feel the same, since we’re both vegetarians and like Bjork (pretty rare, right?). I even wrote her a letter highlighting these incredible similarities, among others, which I gave to the stage manager of “The Diary of Anne Frank” when she was starring in it. But, and much to my disappointment, she never replied.

Anyway, if you’re here because of the Braff post, thanks for stopping by. If you liked that, I would recommend checking out the rest of the site, in particular my Tourgasm recaps, interviews with famous people, which features what I believe to be the most informative interviews ever about “Arrested Development” with Michael Cera and Alia Shawkat, a chat with Demetri Martin, politics with David Cross, sodomy with Stella, and my collection of found items.

I’d like to take a minute to thank everyone for their kind (and not so kind) comments on my last post. It got read by far more people than I ever expected, and I didn’t have the time to reply to every comment. I crossed my fingers that a few crazy Braffanatics would come out of the woodwork, and sure enough a poster by the name of “Samantha” came through with the goods. I highly recommend reading the whole comment.

Samantha personally attacked me, delved into armchair psychoanalysis (”I also think that you must possess some deep-seated hatred of Zach Braff due to a [sic] some sort of mild psychosis and possibly a dark childhood incident”), and wrapped up her insane, vengeful message with this amazing, ungrammatical wish for my future:

“Perhaps the greatest justice will be when you find yourself on the brink of thirty with your dick on your hand in a state of disaffection on a couch and you don’t even have the option of contemplating your future with someone you love. Here in Hollywood, the land of dreams and make-believe, it’s sunny and beautiful and I think I hear the sound of another twenty-something film being green-lit. Enjoy.”

Oh, I did enjoy, Samantha, but it certainly wasn’t the sound of the closing of film deals that did it for me. It was the batshit crazy words coming out of your fingers that I enjoyed so.

Someone theorized that it was Zach himself commenting, which I really wish were true, but sadly it wasn’t. When people leave comments they have to enter their email address, and Samantha used her real one. A quick search on myspace and I discovered her profile (link removed at the request of Samantha, check the comments section for an amazing reply from her and more info). I was expecting the “Garden State” to be listed as a favorite film, but it was conspicuously absent. What I did find in abundance was “The Last Kiss.” I don’t know if Braff has a street team promoting the film via their myspace profiles, but this is exactly how her profile reads.

Under movies, the first thing Samantha has listed is “The Last Kiss, in theaters September 15- go see it and then buy the dvd in December,” and the last item is “the upcoming theatrical release, The Last Kiss - September 15th.” Wait, when is the release date?

In her “Who I’d like to meet section,” it reads “Any day now, I’m expecting them to walk right through the door. Any day now…” I assumed she was talking about a human being, but it turns out she was writing about a film, an upcoming theatrical release, if you will. Any guess what that film could be? Directly below is a countdown timer for the release date of “The Last Kiss,” and below that is a banner for the film, touting the September 15th release date. Even her headline, “We all make choices. What’s yours?” is the tagline of the film.

If she had seen the “Garden State” maybe Samantha would have heard Braff’s poignant plea for the human race that I will echo now, “Why can’t we just be? If someone wants to point out how my films are similar, just let them be.”

Actually he only said the first part.

I recently saw the trailer for Zach Braff’s new film and was left shocked in my seat. The source of my surprise was that the title of the film was not “Garden State 2: The College Years,” but instead the near meaningless “The Last Kiss.” The credits also informed me that it was penned by the same scribe that gave us “Crash,” aka the most ham-handed film ever inspired by liberal, white guilt, and “Million Dollar Baby.”

At first I thought that Braff must have collaborated on the script, but he has no credit listed. Which is odd, considering the film follows Zach Braff’s 10 Easy Tips for Writing Films About Twenty-Somethings® to the letter.

Check it out:

1. The film’s central character should be an emotionally stunted, disaffected, white man in his 20s, who ponders THE BIG QUESTIONS in life, but doesn’t know where he stands.

2. Major events that inspire the pondering of life, such as a funeral or wedding, are central to the plot.

3. The perfect catalyst for change should come in the form of a small, perky, impossibly cute, dark-haired Jewess, who, for some inexplicable reason, is deeply attracted to the protagonist, despite the fact that his personality is about as exciting as a soggy peanut butter sandwich.

4. The women are always a fount of pseudo new age advice, and feel free to dispense it at will. Some helpful advice could be, “That’s life. If nothing else, it’s life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it’s sort of all we have.” Or “The world is moving so fast now that we start freaking out way before our parents did, because we don’t stop to breathe anymore.”

5. Kooky friends walk parallel to the protagonist.

6. The protagonist should close his eyes often and meditate on when his life wasn’t ruled by the debilitating pain of wondering how to connect with other people, or whether he should get married and have kids.

7. Sprinkle a liberal amount of shots of the protagonist looking disaffected throughout the film. Maximum disaffection can be attained by casting the eyes downward.

8. Couches are the best type of furniture to be disaffected on.

9. Fill the father role with an Academy Award nominated actor. Then there will always be at least one talented actor in the film.

10. And lastly, turning things on and off looks cool (I learned how to make animated gifs just for this).