Upon first seeing Richard Gere, clad in brown suede chaps, matching brown boots, open flowing tunic, and possessing what was surely one of the most lustrous manes ever to grace 11th century England, I knew that I had to get high. It had been awhile since I had smoked and it took a few minutes for my consciousness to change. The hairs on my arm started to tingle as I felt the marijuana take effect. At this point in the film, Lancelot (a.k.a. Richard Gere) was chasing after a runaway horse. Richard was galloping on a mighty steed. As he dug his knees into the horse's abdomen, encouraging it to go ever faster, he opened his mouth, and without even a hint of self-consciousness, began to yip. Let me tell you something about seeing a squinting Richard Gere chasing after another horse, hair flowing majestically in the wind, and yipping wildly: it will blow your mind.

The rest of the film was equally as amazing. Basically Richard Gere plays a free-thinking Buddhist whose drifter philosophies don't go over too well in a land of God-fearing Christians . It reminded me a lot of Patrick Swayze in "Roadhouse." More than 3 times in the movie he decrees, "I am not afraid to die." He believes in nothing, not even English accents, and thus is spared the fear of dying.

Early in the film after saving the princess, which becomes a pattern that is repeated three subsequent times, Richard steals a kiss from her. As he mashes his open mouth against her closed, stubborn lips, you can tell that deep down in Queen Guinevere's heart something has happened. Yet Guinevere cannot admit this love to herself. She casts aside Richard's affection and chides him for his roguish behavior. Richard listens intently and replies simply that he will only kiss her if she asks him to. I had a feeling that this early speech would pay off later in the film, and boy did it ever. After making his way through a gauntlet of swinging knives, large wooden balls, and collapsing floorboards, (sans pads I might add. Everyone else wears pads when they try), he is awarded the prize of getting a kiss from the queen. The crowd is so stoked on Richard at this point. As he saunters up to the queen, hips swaying suggestively, hair bouncing, eyes squinting, I had a feeling that the queen would be getting her comeuppance. Richard did not disappoint. He told her that he was a man of his word and would only kiss her if she asked. The queen refuses and showing how much of a badass he is, Richard simply turns foot and begins to walk away. That's when Sean Connery cocks his left eyebrow, smiles suggestively, and tells Richard, "Nice play."

But the movie was much more than just incredible Richard Gere moments. There are so many things to like about it. Number one on my list is the costume design. From what I could tell the designer decided to make the knights look like either gay hairdressers or leather daddies. The l.d.s gravitated towards black jackets, bejeweled with a plethora of long metal spikes, accompanied by tight, black, leather pants. Also the whole lot of them had horrible tans, leading me to wonder where they found a tanning salon in 11th century England . King Arthur's men had a more conservative look, favoring long, flowing clothing that they could really move in, which I'm sure would have been perfect for doing yoga had they been so inclined.

As I watched the film I began to realize that it was really a metaphor for culture clash. Richard Gere represents the free-thinking, free-loving hippies of the 60s, and Sean Connery and his uptight, warmongering crew represent the system. Yet as free as Richard is, it is only when he joins Sean's knights at the round table that the queen is able to admit her love for him. Once he sacrifices his freedom, he can truly love and be loved. It kind of bummed my high when I saw that. The only thing that made me not totally hate it was when his whole existential lifestyle is explained by a flashback in which a young Richard Gere, complete with long flowing hair, witnesses his whole village being burned down, and all his family is killed. After seeing that, I was all, "Oh, so that's where his motivations come from." But I still had my reservations.

Anyway, there's so much incredible stuff that I didn't even address. Like when the movie all of a sudden becomes the beginning of a soft-core porn on Cinemax, and Richard Gere uses a cupped leaf to divert rainwater into the queen's open, willing mouth.

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